Gladiator Monologue

All right, is it going, did you hit play? Everyone, welcome to Dan Rodandan Acting Coach. Hello everybody, this is Dan Rodandan, your favorite host with the most... notice I didn't say host with the mostest. Though it did cross my mind, it's not a joke I like to make because it's been done before. And I like to—when I tread the boards, even the boards with a microphone, I like to break new ground. Like Jacques Cousteau, famous explorer... oceanographer... man of the sea. And I am a man of the sea now because I live only 45 minutes from the beach. The beach of the Pacific Ocean. The Pacific Ocean that uh runs along the border of California, containing Hollywood. My dreamland. The dreamland for many aspiring actors, aspiring acting coaches, fledglings, birds... many tropical birds come here in the Pacific. And I'd like to introduce a friend of mine who shares his name with one of the most tropical birds. My friend...

Christopher Teeth. A good friend of mine that I just met today. Uh, we were at the bookstore, I was...

Yeah, the Barnes and Noble bookstore. I was there using the Wi-Fi to check my email, and I noticed that he was looking at uh Uta Hagen's Respect for Acting. And as somebody who respects actors—well, I am an actor, so I respect myself. I protect myself with a condom during consensual safe sex, and on stage, I respect myself as a performer, as a coach, as a partner... there's the callback... and as a friend. So, this is my friend... what was your name again?

Is that T-E-E-T-H?

Oh, because I...

Up until now, I was under the impression that it was Christopher T-E-E-F.

Like motif.

Who told you that?

That when you... Uta Hagen wrote in her book that when you are doing voiceover work you have to over enunciate your consonants and vowels?

Right. So today I will be playing the role of acting coach for young Christopher Teeth and uh, we are going to be doing a little scene work together. He has agreed to come to my apartment in the beautiful Hawaiian Gardens. It's a much better name than it is an area because uh, there was a murder on my street last night, I heard it. I heard the gunshot. But I can't tell police that 'cause my neighbors were looking at me when they came by and uh, if you get involved... snitches get... well it's worse than stitches... uh they get left in ditches. So, we are going to be doing a scene from the uh Ridley Scott classic. Tony Scott, his brother, recently killed himself. Jumped off of a bridge, not not far from here. Uh and from what I understand he didn't do it because he was sad, he did it because he had terminal brain cancer and didn't want to live with it. Which uh frankly I don't have terminal brain cancer but I've seen the appeal several times of jumping face first off of a bridge into freezing shark infested water because it would end a sort of pain which, as you know as a fellow actor, there is no end in sight.

Yes, we are going to be doing the uh the short monologue in Gladiator uh when Maximus talks to Commodus, the leader of Rome, the harelipped leader of Rome... uh... played by Johnny Cash, from I Walk the Line, Joaquin Phoenix, the brother of the ever more talented River Phoenix, who killed himself with alcohol. A sort of a theme. Uh, we performers we die. We brilliant men of of of the stage and screen, we kill ourselves. So we can both look forward to that.

Sure, here it is. Uh, I will be playing Commodus. You're Commodus and I'm I'm Maximus.

Here, I will be playing Commodus and you're Maximus.

Well I sort of printed it off of IMDb and they sort of have their own format, whereas I I will be Commodus and I will say this...

Yeah, everything except your name. And uh, I will read Commodus's lines and I will also read the stage directions as your acting coach.

For Christ's sake, no, Christopher, you should just say your lines.

Honestly, if you can't get past formatting, what are you gonna do?

Let's do it. All right, starting at the start. First let's let's do a quick vocal warm up.

Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh...

Vuh vuh vuh vuh vuh vuh vuh...

Puh puh puh puh puh puh...

Puh. Puh. P. U. Puh puh.

I'm a mother pheasant plucker.

I'm a mother pheasant plucker. This is my microphone, I can spit where I like. I have an acting coach. When you spit, you act. As was...

Please do. Spit a little, talk a little, spit a little, talk a little, spit a little, pick a little, pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, pick a little, sycamore.

All right, moving on. Now that our throats are supple and golden as honey, we can go ahead and work through this dialogue here. As Commodus, I will begin. Slave! Who are you? Maximus can hold it no longer, he spins to Commodus, ripping off his helmet mask, and thundering...

You said not to say my name.

Not a strong start.

You should pick it up in context. Any actor worth his salt will be able to pick things up.

I don't know. Let me keep reading it. Yes, you should. Only that time.

You know what? Just say everything involved.

Yeah, I'm going to start off, okay? As Commodus. Here we go. Commodus. Slave! Who are you? Maximus can hold it no longer, he spins to Commodus, ripping off his helmet mask, and thundering...

Hold on, hold on a second. All right, so... you're shouting.

Just because it's in caps doesn't mean... let me tell you this. The writer does not dictate the actor's performance, the actor does. So take a risk, huh? What, are you gonna shout all your lines just 'cause they're in caps?

Well, but the guy before me says 'Slave, who are you?' and there's like exclamation points...

Yeah. I didn't shout. I communicated with you the way an actor communicates with a fellow actor.

Commodus. Okay. Slave! Who are you? Maximus can hold it no longer, he spins to Commodus, ripping off his helmet mask, and thundering...

How do you say that? General?

As an actor, you have to make that choice, and you have to go with it. The thing is, don't apologize to me. Don't you ever apologize to me. When you look me in the face, you are Maximus. You are not Christopher Teeth. You understand? The next time you talk to me, you address me as if I am Commodus! The ruler of Rome!

Okay. Slave! Who are you? Maximus can hold it no longer, he spins to Commodus, ripping off his helmet mask, and thundering...

That's pronounced Aurelius. Commodus's eyes shoot wide. Lucilla bolts up. Gracchus leans forward, Proximo is stunned.

These are people who were in the movie earlier. As at this point of the movie, your character knows who they are. Okay? So act like you got some goddamn sense. And don't ask me questions because you're Maximus. Maximus knows these people. Okay? Starting over.

Slave! Who are you? Maximus can hold it no longer, he spins to Commodus, ripping off his helmet mask, and thundering...

Commodus's eyes shoot wide. Lucilla bolts up. Gracchus leans forward, Proximo is stunned. The crowd is mystified.

Wait. Is that 'I am your father'? This is not Star Wars. This is Gladiator. I am father to a murdered son, and husband—not your husband—to a murdered wife, and—not your landlord—to a murdered world.

Look. I'm not here to hold your hand. I'm not here to take you through what acting is. I'm just... okay. I'm just, I'm just failing. You want me to finish your sentences for you? I can't act for you. You have to do it on your own. And if you keep complaining, you know what's gonna happen, right? Right?

The only way you're gonna get parts is by blowing casting directors. And if you're not careful, I'm gonna train you how to do that. I have a gun in this room. So we're gonna go ahead... Maximus. I am father to a murdered son, and husband to a murdered wife, and... landlord to a murdered world... and... I will have vengeance. That's where it ends.

You see what happened there? Did you feel something?

Did you feel it move?

No, come on, don't toy with me. Look me in the eye. Don't look at the paper, look in the eye. Look me in the eye. Will you look me in the eye? I'll put it on your waist, if you're not careful. Look me in the eye. Did you feel it move?

You shut up and you look me in the eye. Hand on your waist, hand on your shoulder.

If you're not careful, I am going to kiss your neck. Did you feel it move?

First of all, thank you, great job. Thank you. Now, Q&A. What questions do you have for the salty old pro?

You are really hung up on this whole formatting issue. The least important thing that an actor will do is read. The most important thing an actor will do is... make it move. If you have it... make it move.

Okay. As an actor. Hand on your heart, put your hand on my heart.

Put your hand on my heart. I really... Put your hand on my heart.

Yeah, it's right about there. Do you feel the beat?

All right, put it a little lower. Do you feel the beat?

Do you feel the beat?

All right. We're gonna stand here with our hearts beating, with our hands on each other's hearts, until they sync up. And then you'll know what it is to be acting.

It's good, that's called acting. Breathe with me. In. Out. In. Out. In.

Shut your fucking mouth. I have a gun in this room. And we are gonna do what I say, because I am the boss. You are the pony, I am the rider. We're gonna play a quick game of polo. Do you understand? Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold it.

All right let's take it again, from the top. I will be Commodus, you will be Maximus. Slave! Who are you? Maximus can no longer hold it in, he spins around to Commodus, ripping off his helmet mask and thundering...

All right. Now uh... Is it just me or do you feel like you've overstayed your welcome? I'm gonna give you to the count of nine before the gun comes out. Eight. We didn't even have to start counting.

Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, this has been da da da, learn how to act with Dan Rodandan, teach you how to act and teach you how to get parts. That was a scene from the Ridley Scott classic, Gladiator. And he was glad... to get the part... because he wanted an Oscar. And uh... I don't know if any of you guys saw Prometheus. I've never cried so much in my life. I'm so sad. I just invited a young man into my home, and uh... to be honest I was jealous of his talent, I was jealous of the fact that he he would go to a bookstore to read...

Wow I just I feel really cut off at the knees right now, just being vulnerable with my... with my audience, and he comes right back in here, I'm not holding my gun. I'm naked from the waist down with a cotton ball up my ass and sniffing a can of gasoline. I got to feel powerful for about two or three minutes and now I just... feel like jumping off a bridge.

Maybe I'll just go back to the B&N. Barnes and Noble. I have an old iPod Touch. Only way I can really check my email. I'm recording on it right now. iPod Touch, third generation. Really bad camera. Can't even email pictures to my friends, if I made some.

Sometimes I think I should go back to being a middle school, high school administrator, but... how do you give up on a dream? You gotta face yourself at night after you go to sleep, right? I mean... that's just you there. It's just you and... you and your dream... and nobody else. And then you have to come to terms with the fact that it will never be anyone else. And you look at your friends and your family as commodities and none of them are very valuable.

All right, come in.